This title comes from the Lord’s instructions to Samuel about looking for a king. It was as appropriate then as it is today. So much of our life in the church focuses on the outward appearance. The Mormon culture is fascinated about creating uniformity. Even among those on the outside of the culture there is a sense of claiming unity with the church means you are a Molly Mormon or a Peter Priesthood.
These focused arguments are for me tiresome and annoying. Honestly, tell me what role a white shirt has in the salvation of souls, or why someone needs to shave their beard to be a leader? It is cultural, not scriptural from what I can see. I understand that some may find this post surprising but let me tell you it has been something I have said before.
I do think white shirts have their place in our sacrament tables. I think clean appearance and Sunday best are important. But I also remember a Stake President who once said, “I love it when I come to church and smell smoke on a strangers cloths. Because I know they are either coming back or investigating the church. “
This all boiled to head for me over the ideas on hair.
I have friends who have had to face a lot of grief from a relative because they dyed the hair of a cousin red. The person was not the parent but someone related who got bent out of shape. As if doing that was somehow a bad example to that teenager.
I have told my kids they can do what they want with their hair. They might have to put up with some teasing but I am not going to stop them.
This in fact happened earlier this summer. My second son decided he wanted his head shaved. Well I was surprised, and just a bit appalled, but he got all his hair off. He looked like a Q-tip but hey it was his choice.
In the end I have said to my wife that these things are really not worth fighting about, kids will be kids, give them the opportunity to have some decisions on the little things and I hope it will allow me to help on the big ones. When the kids talk to me about these things I usually say, “Well I cannot say much as I had my hair dyed orange a few years ago, and since I started going grey at 21 I have used dye off and on ever since. I thought it somewhat ridiculous to look old early in life.
So my question for those who are not the parents of these children who have dyed hair or Mohawks or long hair, what have you. Do you think it is so important that you make a comment? Does it bring someone closer to Christ by attacking or isolating them for little reason?
Everyone makes choices, some you agree with some you do not. At the end of the day let them make them. If you disagree you can do one of two things. You can be over bearing and rude and attack someone or you can say you do not agree but allow others to decide.
I think of Heavenly Father and how he offers free agency to his children. I am always amazed how often when I screw up and must go back and repent how often I am forgiven. He sees my heart and not my outward appearance and he means it. For me that is more important than my desire to force conformity or judge others who conform.
I feel I have the right to say something to my own children about their hair. On the other hand, I don’t feel I have the right or authority nor is it my place to comment to someone else about what they do with their own hair. I really don’t like tattoos or excessive piercing. That said, if there is someone at church with tattoos or piercings, while I don’t care for the look, I believe it is their affair. I would not comment to them about it.
BTW: I cannot stand to wear the standard LDS white shirt. I’m a bit of a non-conformist in that area.
I think of all the extreme things people can do with their bodies to be different or rebel or express themselves or whatever it is that they’re doing, the best and safest and least apt to cause lasting harm is ANYthing they want to do to their hair. Color it, cut it, shave it, dred it, use tons of weird product in it, whatever, it’s fine with me. They aren’t poking holes in themselves, or scarring themselves, or poisoning themselves or debauching themselves or anything else with long-term consequences. When they’re ready to conform, the bizarreness vanishes without a trace.
I’m actually relieved when I see a young man or woman with extreme hair, sometimes paired with bizarre clothes. To me it appears like a safety valve. Mom and Dad are probably not stressing over things that ultimately won’t matter, and the young person is exercising whatever-it-is in a relatively safe manner.
Steve, I agree wholeheartedly on the white shirt thing.
Me too Ardis.
Maybe he is forming a chapter of the Stephen Covey fan club.
So my question for those who are not the parents of these children who have dyed hair or Mohawks or long hair, what have you. Do you think it is so important that you make a comment?
Certainly you should comment. If you ignore it, they might try something more drastic to get your attention.
Comments don’t have to be belittling. If your kid shaves his head, just tell him you always loved Yul Brynner.
I’m with Last Lemming. I think they want to be noticed. Non-judgemental comments aren’t too hard to make:
Interesting.
That’s different.
How do you like it?
I would never ignore it, I would agree with that.
But with the one who shaved his head I mostly pointed out that it was neat because it was so fuzzy. And then he got a sunburn the next day (he thought it a little less awesome).
Measure that against my parents who when they saw my orange hair freaked out and demanded I dye it back immediately.
The discussion reminds me of an instance when my son was in High School and he bleached his hair, along with the other members of his swimming team as a show of solidarity for the upcoming state swimming championships. Instead of platinum blonde, his chlorine damaged hair turned an odd yellowish orange, which made for an odd look.
I thought nothing of it having been a swimmer who traditionally shaved my head at least twice a year for the sport. And yet, when our bishop, a man I love and respect, asked my son,a member of his Priest Quorum, to modify his hair color to be something less extreme, my wife and I wholeheartedly supported the priesthood leader’s counsel.
I think the lesson learned was not that our youth need to appear as clones of one another, but that as they consider their appearance, they strive for obedience to the counsel of their leaders, both local and general. Whether it be modesty or the avoidance of extreme’s, the style choices are not the point. We as parents need to understand and teach that following the prophet is what is important in standards that are seemingly trivial, and those that are more spiritually critical.
How a young man appears and behaves while representing Jesus Christ at the sacrament table would seem to be fairly important.
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