It a common question that people ask themselves. How do we deal with God when it appears we get hurt by decisions that seem right, seem authorized and yet explode in our face?
What do we do when doubt and anger creeps in when it seems like God does not hear our prayers or worse, he allows all these things to happen to us?
About two years ago things happened to me that I found myself left empty and outraged. I was mad, not at the church, not at the leadership, but at God. I felt that he abandon me after leading me down a primrose path which created a terrible set of circumstances. So I hated God, I disbelieved his ability to save me. In other words I lost my belief.
I spent probably 18 months going through the motions. Doing all the things I used to but losing any desire to continue to act as a real Latter-day Saint. This is not an uncommon experience, of course, many have fallen out with faith in religions world wide.
During my four years in Britain it was common to see chapels being used as pubs, garages and houses. Some were just plain abandoned, they had become derelicts because the population rarely attend church. In fact our kids easily got into a Church in Wales (Anglican) school because we were attending church. I was told that many were amazed because it was “difficult” to qualify.
As the years have gone by and I have become more in tune with God again I have realized that while I am still not happy with my so-called Job moment, I understand better that I needed to overcome it. Unlike Job I found I could not just let it all fall off my strong testimony.
I have seen now that some aspects of what happened would have made life difficult on us as we were entering a depressed economy in a tiny community in the mountains. However though my goal has changed some it is not completely turned on its heels. In fact I am still able to do some of the things I wanted to even if it was not in manner I wanted. In fact I have picked up the derelict bricks and slowly rebuilt the temple in my heart.
My understanding of God and his role in my life has changed to some degree, yet I feel like I have a much better understanding of how my Father in Heaven works with me. My personal relationship with God is like any other relationship. I can build or destroy it, it is my choice. Can I rebuild that relationship with someone I cannot see?
There is a key I decided that the problem was me. In evaluating my anger I decided that it was something that created a gap. I felt discouraged and annoyed about all that had happened and blamed it on God. Deciding to begin reaching out to God once more is something which seemed easier said than done. But I felt the need, to once again accept that I am unable to control everything.
However, with a rebuilt relationship there is a slow and steady approach. So anyone could return to accepting that God is not to blame for everything, and maybe one border guard should not determine how I view my relationship with God. I am not the best of students but I can say I am learning on this eternal path… I hope all of those who question God can come to an understanding.